The cover article on the February issue of Scientific American MIND then, should also reach into our hearts and souls. In one article it professes to cover the science of falling in and staying in love.
Yet, I find in Scientific American Mind, a great many of the reasons so many are confused by science or how to interpret it, when in the same issue there is one article on how eyewitnesses can recognize and convict the wrong man of murder and another on how our eyes help to memorize and store information at crime scenes and are more often correct than not.
The article on Falling and Staying in Love which is a series of articles utilizing different so-called Love Exercising techniques developed by Dr. Robert Epstein & his observations in his lab at the University of California, San Diego, is a great illustration of what is ailing science and scientists.
Part of this has to do with the total exclusion from Epstein's article, or his own understanding, even, of what a fairy tale really is, or the fact that all the behaviors he describes in order to get someone to fall in love or care about you have been much better expressed by Shakespeare, Keats, Shelly, the Kama Sutra (gasp! from the Indian culture he claims has no fairy tales -- what planet is this guy living on?), 1,001 Arabian Nights, Sappho, the code of Chivalry, the Song of Solomon, Pablo Neruda, the brothers Grimm, and so on.
As well, as he writes, many of these techniques can be used to get close to someone you hardly know -- well, this is what the seducers of the world have been doing to make people fall in love with them since time immemorial, when politics and romance/erotic power crossed swords, or our ancestors crossed fists or wits over who would mate with who. Before there was "The face that launched a thousand ships" fair Helen of Troy, there were other more primitive battles. We get phrases like "verbal fencing," "ladykiller" and "maneater" among others from all this battling.
Here are some of the key points of the article that those seeking a fulfilling love relationship -- or even to fall in love which makes me uncomfortable, that someone would use such powerful drives merely to seduce -- but as I said, you can find these things elsewhere in the best of our literature -- and would be better off reading it there so you have finesse and charm, what can I say-- but here is the short cut version of helpful hints from Dr. Epstein. But what these things teach in the end, is technique -- and you can have all the technique in the world and be lacking in true empathy or true heart, and at the end of the day, without those, you will never know true love, or true happiness. because in these exercises they are a prelude to other things you must build to keep love alive and romance too -- trust and faith. You cannot have a fulfilling relationship without trust and faith in each other.
All I can say, with this or any other article is Caveat Emptor! Buyer Beware! You need critical thinking and feeling skills to deal with the brilliantly tongued (read glib and arrogant in his presumptions of what fairy tale and Western Culture mean) and ever so concise statistic-using Epsteins of the world.
See how much of this you've seen and experienced in your life and compare it with what's here, and with what you've seen and read.
Love-Building Exercises, Inspired by scientific study, says Epstein -- I am as leery of his using the word inspired here as Ben Franklin was of them putting the word sacred in the Constitution. I will then, as I can point out where this has been done before. Here are some of them:
1. 2 as 1. Embrace each other gently, sensing your partner's breathing and gradually synchronize breathing. After two minutes, you might feel the two of you have merged.
Um, Yoga anyone? Zen. Kama Sutra. The Art of Sexual Ecstasy. Basic massage. Of course you don't need to take your clothes off. :D And do you see how they bifurcate one love from another? When they are linked, and often, if there is eros involved.
2. Soul Gazing: Look into each others eyes for about two minutes while sitting two feet away from each other. Try doing this to the core of your beings. Then talk about what you saw.
I admit to feeling bemused after reading this"core of your beings" line, since he kept putting down fairy tales. After all, what he's talking about here, is building romance -- keeping it alive -- and this is what the poets have known all along -- the eyes are the windows to the soul, and we love looking into them. It's all about taking the time to build and love.
Epstein points out that, "In mutual gazing people are giving each other permission to stare; that is, they are being vulnerable to each other, and that is the key element to emotional bonding."
Damn, Epstein and the poets are all right. If someone you're falling in love & spending time with isn't looking you in the eye, they're not being emotionally vulnerable with you, to this I can testify. & it also means they may be hiding things from you.
3. Monkey Love. Imitate your partners movements, standing or sitting fairly near each other.
Well, sir, can we all just read a much more in depth book on the subject of Empathy and Monkey Love, if we want to really know what this little exercise is all about? Yes. Empathy. In The Age of Empathy, Nature's Lessons for a Kinder Society, Frans De Waal, takes on Social Darwinism and thereby, hook up culture, which is an extension of that.
4. Falling In Love: Trust Exercise: increase feelings of mutual vulnerability. From a standing position, simply let yourself fall backwards into the arms of your partner.
Well, this is great. I think I'd like to see a five foot 90 pound woman catch her 250 pound husband. Seriously, exercises in trust are important.
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I'm not going to include all the exercises, but I will include the better points of the article -- which is, we have to be in situations that expose our vulnerabilities so we can learn to trust each other to fall in love. This may sound like common sense. But, you are, for instance more likely to fall in love with someone if you are on a sailing ship at sea which is breaking down a lot and then there is a gigantic storm and one of your best friends is dying of some sort of tragic disease so you are helping steer the ship of which he is captain , and the two of you are working together. Then perhaps, you visit some orphans and teach them English. Well, you see the best in each other and have been in danger and seen what happens under bad conditions too, so you've seen each other vulnerable. Then you're together at sea and one thing leads to another and you're swept away.
From the Studies in Intimacy section:
1 Arousal : People tend to bond emotionally when exposed to adventures and dangerous situations.
2. Proximity & Familiarity
Simply being around someone tends to produce positive feelings.
3. Similarity: Opposites attract, but research on behavior shows that people tend to pair with others liek themselves. In intelligence, background and level of attractiveness.
Ok, those souls who feel like ugly ducklings, are the working poor, or thick as a brick but really like beauty, or the finer things in life and and admire intelligence but don't have it should evidently cast themselves into the nethers with no hope if they listened to Epstein.
Don't! Do Not Listen To Epstein!
Look around you at the truth! There are people of all shapes, sizes, backgrounds and personalities who are together and have lasting relationships defying not only Epstein but ridiculous and unhealthy, shallow models in the media for love.
This is why even in our culture, unlike Epstein says, it's not all left to chance. It's about where we are in life, and who. However, during college, we do run into people we find interesting who are not in our same category and are enriched.
4. Humor.
5.Novelty --people tend to grow closer when they're doing something new.
Thus why some people go for lover after lover, thrilling to the new, but not building intimacy with their partner and because they stop building romance in their relationship and let it become routine, it leaves many couples open to this little humdinger.
6. Inhibitions> Lower inhibitions and open up and get close! Drink a glass of wine, says science but don't get drunk, because you'll regret it.
Umm. We need a scientist to tell us this?
7. Kindness, accommodation and forgiveness.
Forgiveness can cause mutual bonding.
>>We also need to have strong identities and boundaries and this is where this little thing can be confusing. Sometimes, when we love someone, we want to keep forgiving but there is a time to stop being a doormat and say enoughs enough. Easier said then done when you can;t really control the behavior of your loved one. Harder still to part ways knowing it's for the best if you've spent years trying to make it work.
8. Touch & Sexuality. The simplest Touch can produce warm, positive feelings. & a back rub can work wonders. Even getting near without touching can have this effect. Sexuality can make people feel closer, especially women. Epstein says there is danger of confusing love with sexual attraction. He says you can't love someone without knowing him or her. Attraction blinds people to characteristics of their partner.
hmm. But you can like them? It is horrifying we live in a world where people deny the basic truths of our bodies, the most profound truths. We are in a culture where both men and women are scrutinized for utmost physical perfection. We live in a culture with unfortunate social mores and problems with modesty and that can't handle the truth that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes because we are all shapes and sizes. So. When someone touches a person, makes them feel desired, in essence saying, no, you are wanted, attractive, sexy, beautiful, this, all at once makes people vulnerable, open. Intimate. Then if people turn around and back track and are cruel people become hardened and lose faith in themselves, and in humanity in general. How many times have you felt or a friend after a break up told you they felt unlovable, unwanted and undesirable, and used? This is why it is good to know if your partner is truly kind or just knows how to look kind. And this is the hard part. You can only find out after you've been with them.
Many people are physically starved for affection, and sexuality is for some the only physical touch they get from another human in adult life. This is sad and cruel. People need to hug, hold hands, and rejoice. & kill the tv.
9. Self-disclosure Share secrets.
Trust building.
10. Commitment. It's essential for building a long, fulfilling relationship.
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I must say that while I agreed with several statements Doctor of Psychology Robert Epstein made in the article, and facts are facts --- this article is also a great example of everything that is wrong, as well, with these sorts of articles about love in particular. There are, however, far too many subjective, condescending statements made that simply do not take into account all of the particulars surrounding the struggles any one individual may encounter in one's lifetime. And certainly are not taking into account cultural richness.
They do take into account a society and civilization and people that are at odds with their own natural affection, and this is a guilt of both secular hook-up cultures and religious overly overbearing ones. Both suspect any kind of emotion as being something that makes you powerless and so, they distrust emotion, and see it merely as a chemical reaction, ala the old Tina Turner "What's Love Got to Do With It" song.
While much of the scientific facts regarding behavior that leads to healthy attachment to a partner or mate in a fulfilling, long-term relationship are true in general, I must insist that the actual application of these facts are in actually far more complicated as a technology and culturally. Which is why we have great stories -- as Jung, and more recently, Clarissa Pinkola Estes wrote about in her best-seller Women Who Run With Wolves. Our fairy tales are actually, tales of knowing and wisdom, many of them ancient and feminine, and not at all pretty, but, full of truth and passed down to us by our predecessors in order to unlock the secrets civilization has made taboo -- so that we, hopefully, eventually, learn how to balance the wild, true authentic self with the expectations of the world around us instead of losing our identities in it.
While much of the scientific facts regarding behavior that leads to healthy attachment to a partner or mate in a fulfilling, long-term relationship are true in general, I must insist that the actual application of these facts are in actually far more complicated as a technology and culturally. Which is why we have great stories -- as Jung, and more recently, Clarissa Pinkola Estes wrote about in her best-seller Women Who Run With Wolves. Our fairy tales are actually, tales of knowing and wisdom, many of them ancient and feminine, and not at all pretty, but, full of truth and passed down to us by our predecessors in order to unlock the secrets civilization has made taboo -- so that we, hopefully, eventually, learn how to balance the wild, true authentic self with the expectations of the world around us instead of losing our identities in it.
It seems to me, far too often, that too many psychologist like Epsteins, while saying they are wanting to help us, wants to be Martin Luther posting his questions on the door of a church and wants to be the one to reform things, but not always, like Martin Luther to the have selfless interests in this, they are far too often the Tetzels of the world, selling their greedy self-help indulgences. & highlights, as well, that much research is done with one's own subjective opinion hoping to be proved, when science at its best must prove truth -- not just what you want the world to be, but what it it and can be.
Here are a few examples of the double tongue statements, dangerous presumptions and in fact often irresponsible remarks Epstein makes in a bid to sell his "love exercises."
1."Nothing is more fulfilling than being in a successful love relationship. Yet we leave our lives entirely to chance."
2."Over the years, having looked at the fast-growing scientific literature on relationship science & having conducted some new research of my own, I have come to believe there is a definite fix for our poor performance in romantic relationships. The fix is to extract a practical technology from the research and then teach people how to use it."
3.'The students in my course were doing something new -- taking control of their love lives. We grow up on fairy tales and movies in which magical forces help people to find their soul mates, with whom they effortlessly live happily ever after. The fairy tales leave us powerless, putting our love lives into the hands of the Fates. But here is the surprise: most of the world has never heard of those fairy tales. Instead more than half of marriages on our globe are brokered by parents or professional matchmakers, whose main concerns are long-term suitability and family harmony. In India an estimated 95% of the marriages are arranged and though divorce is legal, India has one the lowest divorce rates in the world. (This is starting to change of course as Western ways encroach on society.)"
Now here is why these statements are not true.
1. People do not leave their love lives entirely to chance. We are, each of us, in a certain economic and social background. We each, because of lifestyle choices are put in situations to meet people who coincide with our belief systems and ways of life.
2 & 3. . A fix for our poor performance? This disgusts me, the entire language he uses here. Let's just apply some technology! Poor performance? So now we're being graded? Isn;t it enough that men have to deal with penis enhancement commercials? Insert slot A into slot B -- How dare he! Because it's a way to make money, just like Men are from Mars and Women from Venus.
Because it's easy to do.
Let's just ignore everything humans have striven so hard to accomplish in art and express themselves and hand it all over to the Epsteins of the world to fix!
No! I say no. I draw the line here. Use science yes,. as a tool. But we must address the root, not merely the symptoms. We are living in an industrial, commercial, every mercenary soul for himself civilization in a lot of ways, despite/in spite of Christianity, and because of it being interpreted the way it is, by many, truthfully, as well -- that is deprived and depraved because of a lack of natural affection and attachment.
But we still are humans, damn it. We can choose a lot in our lives. And we must decide what kind of civilization and love we want to build.
How ignorant and well, condescending of Epstein to compare the rich cultural heritage of the West, -- Aristotle, Plato, Socrates, Shakespeare -- and yes, damn it fairy tales --and then say other cultures don't have our problem! India has plenty of fairy tales, as far as I can tell. They may get divorced less. But who's to say that is the way for us? Why be so freaked out about divorce? It's not the be all end all judgement of society and civilization. Divorce has been around for a long time. The reasons for it change. Just as our concept of family has here, in the west, moved from being one of property towards one of spirit, or who we love -- not just flesh and blood. In India you risk massive social ostracization if you divorce. And here in the US too it's prevalent to be ostracized for divorce, still. Regarding fairy tales being magical things where people fall in love via a magical thing -- poppycock! The girl or prince has to go on a quest, a heroic journey or quest and learn a lesson in order to get the man or woman of their dreams or nightmares. They are symbolic of older cultural heritage.
Most of the happiest people I know do a great job of balancing art & science in their lives and aren't afraid of their emotions like they're dangerous creatures that must be corralled and aren't cynical and jaded about falling in love. What I do see a lot of unfortunately, is people who want love, without being willing to give in return what is needed in a relationship to get what they need. They aren't willing to build intimacy and trust, but look for short cuts -- even short cuts like the ones in this article --- instead of appreciating the rich depth and breadth of love and life.
I raise my morning glass of airy hope, in cheer to all of us, sharing a dream and loving and laughing with that special someone, together. Here's to love.
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